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Michael Hall | Episode 564
Michael Hall is from Kansas City, Missouri. He escaped to Tempe, Arizona–earned his BFA from Arizona State University in 2012, worked as a Secondary Ceramics Teacher, and left to work with Steven Hill at 323Clay in Independence, Missouri. Currently, Michael is a MFA candidate at Bowling Green State University.
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How important is it to be honest and open with failure with hurt with the world around you and what you are going through?
I think it’s huge. I think once you figure out how to let it be there I think it is really important, however in the moments where I was literally sobbing and crawling to the shower in my apartment to turn the shower on so I could cry without disturbing my neighbors, in those moments it is not fun. It doesn’t feel like fun, it doesn’t feel like it is ever going to end, but I didn’t have a chance to connect with my support network that was related to over the phone or anything like that and I actually reached out to people on Instagram. I had some fellow potters say, Hey man, you seem kind of down, if you ever need to talk let me know. And I have passed that along with other people. I think it is hugely important to be honest and open about it when it is time because the majority of us have had an experience that has been incredible painful to them and they can offer at least, at minimum. I’m sorry that happened to you. And at maximum, Oh this is how I completely relate to where you are at right now. And it inspires you to not feel so alone. I mean, that is one of the biggest boons of the ceramics community. Is that we are a community.
Is it important to instead of burying your emotions to fully experience them?
It is. And I think a driving factor behind this entire experience that is there is that it is not nearly as intense as it was before, is that I discovered more about myself by letting myself feel whatever was there and not resist it. I think resisting something makes it stronger and will wear you out and become that much more of an issue. Instead just letting that song cause your eyes to well up. Or even on the flip side being able to listen to music that you used to associate with something that is not a part of your life anymore. I am at a point now where I made an upbeat playlist and to me that is part of the progress instead of listening to angry or sad music all the time I can say, No, I want to listen to some good stuff.
Was there a point when you said, “It will not always be like this”?If yes, then how did that help you?
I think so. Part of my strategy to keep myself on this plain of existence was to get the cats. I know that sounds kind of silly, but I went from a house with another human being, a dog, and three cats to another apartment… just me. I needed to get some cats so something can be excited to see me when I get home. And on days that were the absolute lowest that I’ve ever been, these two little fluff balls are bugging me and it is really hard to be upset when these two cute little clouds are floating around you. I think the best way to answer that is that the hope that I now have is that I have these two things that depend on me. So I can’t leave them to the cockroaches to Arizona. I’ve got to take care of them. So it was something to look forward to take of them. And on the flip side of when I was at work was that I became this super compassionate guru for some of these students for a lot of these side conversations.
How does caring for someone or something help you to get over the pain?
It gives you a sense of purpose. By 3:30 in the afternoon I would tell my students, Mr. Hall dies and Michael wakes up, and when I come to school, Michael dies and Mr. Hall wakes up. So when I’d go back to Michael mode, I’d think that I had to get back to the apartment so I could hide from everything. I am so grateful to two little fluff balls that would hide under the couch, I’d open then door, and then they would just come out and greet me. I think it makes such a huge difference that these cats need a fresh cat box, they need water, they need food… I’m the dude that does it for them. On the worst day that’s going to get me to wind down, go to sleep, and go back to work, earn money, and pay bills so I can take care of these two little turkeys.
How is connecting with people important to recovery?
It’s key. It’s key to it. Once you are allowed to be outside of yourself and get outside of survival mode, it becomes automatic to start to reach out to people. The conversations I would have were longer and more engaged. It helped me practice to allow myself to be genuine.
How important was developing new habits for life important for getting back on track?
Huge. Just as essential as reaching out to new people. Just as essential as feeling feelings. Just as essential as creating purpose. When I got to Bowling Green I was talking with one of the other grad students she said that she likes to exercise and take care of herself too. The idea of self-sacrifice, not getting enough sleep, doing the grind in the studio seems a little counter intuitive, I said to her that can pull an all-nighter if I need to because I take care of myself. It’s not that I am going to be chugging gallons of coffee and feeling horrible for two days afterward, taking care of myself allows me to have that extra energy. Translate that down to processing pain and going through things that are not easy, I’ve noticed a difference experientially. If I was having a bad day in old Michael Land, I’d drink more. That would make it go away momentarily, but it would mess up my sleep and I’d wake up a little slower and grumpier. So it’s all amplified if I’m not taking care of myself.
How important is it to accept and forgive either yourself or someone else?
It’s big. It’s really big. There was this idea of forgiveness, it was there just floating around, and I was wondering what is this. On one of these days I was working in the studio and I was listening to a TEDtalk and the TEDtalk was about forgiveness. The lady who was doing the talk had her brother and her mom shot by the brother’s friend in her house. She had been through things worse than me. She said that she would never forgive what you did, but I am working on forgiving the pain that you caused. To me, that was it. That was what I needed and wanted to say to my ex wife. I will never forgive what you did, but I am working on forgiving the pain that you caused. And I have. I haven’t been able to tell her that, but that is what I need.
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Instagram: @michael.hall.pottery